authenticity and the #mywritingprocess blog tour

With such kindness, I have been invited to participate in the #mywritingprocess blog tour by my adorable, sparkly, yogini friend, Meredith. She has a blog too, you see, www.meredithmusing.blogspot.com. She always leaves you feeling a little more shiny, a little more at ease. I am honored to hop on this tour with her.

With this invitation, I have been asked to describe how my blogging/writing process works, how it might be different than others, and why do I write what I do. So here goes:

Let me begin with a little history of my writing. In 7th grade, I wrote a book of poetry as a project for my English class. I still have it. I wrote about not wanting to grow up, about God, about saving manatees. It all kind of began there. Fast forward a few years later and I received a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from the University of Kentucky.  I seriously learned from the best while I was there- the likes of Nikki Finney, Jane Vance, and Erik Reese. Throughout all this disciplined writing, I also kept a private journal.

When I graduated from college, my writing all together took a backseat in my life. 

And then I finally decided, after years really of debating, to start a blog- it just felt right. I missed writing. It is something I had always done and I missed it like an old friend. I needed it back in my life. And I found that becoming a mama was the perfect life event to get me back into it. 

I feel like the phrase, writing "process", is way too formal for the way I approach writing. My "process" is more like a smorgasbord of thoughts floating around in my mind that are best transferred through my fingers to my MacBook by way of coffee and a comfy seat in my recliner with feet propped up. I don't brainstorm before hand or write it out on paper first. I definitely don't ponder any idea for too long before I start writing. I just go for it. And the inspiration usually comes from an epiphany I have had in the car or while changing my daughter's diaper or while, of course, having an emotional meltdown. For me, this process of putting my thoughts into visual words is the purest form of therapy. And I venture to say that most bloggers would agree.

In becoming a mama, I have found much peace and inspiration in other's blogs. The honesty people are putting out there, the acceptance that we all are human and fail, the idea that life isn't perfect and that IS OKAY, has rocked my little, self-doubting world and sent it into a spiral of confidence and super-woman-y feelings. I don't know how my blog is really different than anyone else's but I do know that I strive to be real and honest with myself and my readers. It is most important. And it is how I can remain true to myself and in turn, to the people in my life.

For such a long time, I kept a journal and one day, I started reading old entries and wanted to cringe. If I were to leave the world tomorrow, I would NOT want anyone reading those journals. It was all boys, sadness, striving for perfection. My thoughts weren't coming from a place of sincerety- they seemed contrived. So I stopped journaling. When I started to get the blogging buzz, my first thought was that it had to be honest- none of this "life is perfect over here in my family. your's isn't?" bullshit. And secondly, if I couldn't be completely honest about something, then maybe it is so unworthy of anymore of my energy that it needs to be let go. This is why I blog- to be authentic, with you and myself.

And lucky for me, I know some other fabulous women allowing themselves to be authentic. So I'm passing the blog tour torch to them... One of them is my yoga teacher turned dear friend, Sharon. The other, a long time friend (think 20+ years), Lauren.

Sharon Tessandori: A life coach, yoga instructor, & spiritual hillbilly. 

Find her @ www.sharontessandori.com

Lauren Metelski: I am a Russian major turned doula turned labor and delivery nurse. I strive to be a minimalist, I strive to teach about women's health and get my kicks having fun with birth!

Find her @ www.birthisfun.com

Blooming today b/c:

*This weather!

*Getting up early to bake muffins for a playdate

*My husband's new job and spending more time together

4 a.m.

I awoke yesterday morning around 4 a.m. which is pretty typical these days. I get up a lot because sweet baby boy pushes on my bladder and I gotta pee. This particular morning, I went to the bathroom, got back in bed, TRIED to get comfy, and laid there with eyes open. Sleep, where are you?! Instead of sleeping, my body and mind decided to get anxious. Middle of the night anxiety is the absolute worse! It's a dark place, literally. 

I thought about baby boy, about going through natural labor and delivery again, about being in the hospital away from my daughter for several days, about how she is going to feel when she sees me holding her brother for the first time, about my children sharing a room (where is all their stuff gonna go?!), about wanting to buy expensive bedding for boy's crib from etsy but it seems so unnecessary, about the months left before our due date and what needs to be done and bought, about my husband and how I'm so annoying to be around right now because my body aches and I'm so tired all the time, about how my midwife told me that my iron is low and I need to be eating leafy greens and fish! But do you know how hard that is when you are pregnant? I want ice cream and donuts and Chik-fil-a breakfast sandwiches. I thought about the unknown future and the feeling of being in limbo, about how I hate the nights my husband has to work and the loneliness I feel sometimes, about how I wished I were better at being a 'housewife' like they were in the 50's, like my mom was when I was growing up, about how I wish I didn't let people get in my head and I listened better to my own intuition.

There is so much to think about at 4 a.m., isn't there? 

So I get on Facebook feeling groggy, knowing I probably won't get any fulfillment by doing so but do it anyway and see this:

This screws me up a lot. 

And it's why I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about every detail of life because everything is supposed to be a lot easier than this, right?

Well, no. Life isn't supposed to be any certain way- it's supposed to be how we make it. We have the choice to let go of the worries and take it all as it comes. Easy huh? :)

P.S. This quote was posted by Glennon Melton of Momastery. If you don't follow her- I highly suggest you do. She's crazy honest and has inspired me beyond anything I could have imagined. She rocks my world. http://www.momastery.com

This is making me bloom today:

*A walk with a BFF and her brand new babe

*Dinner with my girls last night that left me feeling complete and cared for

*This cup of coffee in my hand

*70 degree weather

*Good news

be a deliberate person.

I am not sure where I read this statement but I put it in my notes app on my phone and it has been staring me in the face for a while now.

BE A DELIBERATE PERSON.

How amazing is that?

I have come to realize in my new motherhood how incredibly important it is for me to be a deliberate person. To be a person that my daughter can look up to. To be a person who pays attention. To be a person that treats people with kindness. To be a person that speaks gently and loves. To be a person that is true to herself.
It is easy for me to get hung up on what I am not- remnants of low self esteem that surfaced during 7th grade, I guess. I cannot believe at 30 those remnants still follow me around and I am sure they will forevermore. But what I have now that I didn't have then is a sense of being intentional and precious offspring that make me want to be better.

I have talked with fellow mamas about these unwanted feelings of jealousy and self esteem issues that rear their ugly heads when babies come along and you discover that maybe motherhood is a little more difficult than expected or maybe raising a child with your partner is a little more difficult than expected. It is tough, no doubt, and none of us will deal with these issues perfectly. But imagine if we all tried to just be more deliberate and hold more intention in each day, in each moment. Maybe things would feel different, maybe we would shift into our roles as mamas and daddy's with more ease.

I like the idea of being deliberate because it does not mean to be happy all day everyday- it means to be true to yourself in every situation, good or bad or messy. And I know for certain, us mamas experience messy situations EVERYday. Being deliberate could change the course of our lives and children's lives. I think I am gonna try it.

This is making me bloom today:
*A five hour playdate with a sweet friend
*Munching on ice- a new pregnancy craving
*Change on the horizon

ode to a cigarette and musings on the yoga club.

My dear friend and yoga teacher sent out an email recently asking if there was ever a time you felt like you didn't belong on your yoga mat. I love this question. It is something I have struggled with since I began doing yoga 6 years ago. And yes, I often feel unworthy, undeserving of being a yoga teacher and practitioner.

Let me explain: I don't fit the yogi mold all the time. I don't meditate everyday, I can't do a hand or head stand, I prefer TV over a yoga session a lot, and yes, I love cigarettes.

How can a yoga teacher possibly love to smoke cigarettes? For a long time, I carried around some major guilt over this. I thought if I was going to be a good yogi, I needed to let go of this fondness and desire. I needed to opt out of sneaking those cigarettes with my best friend behind the bar or on my deck. I knew if one of my students or fellow teachers knew this about me, or they happened to see me- they would stop believing in me, stop coming to my classes. Because yogis DO NOT enjoy cigarettes, even just every once in a while. YUCK. 

The thing is, I don't even smoke anymore. I quit many moons ago. I am very aware of how bad it is for me. But still to this day, I think about it- the taste of each inhale, the feel of it between my fingers, the smell that would stick to my clothes. I have fond memories of smoking and I long for those mornings, waking up to a cup of coffee and a smoke. I have even thought about smoking WHILE I was meditating and during Warrior II. It's a serious love affair, folks. And it's very possible that I will sneak another cigarette again one day. Is that okay? Well yes, I've decided after some time of dwelling in this space of guilt that in fact, it is okay. I am not perfect. I mess up. Thank goodness.

I remember the moment I started letting go of this guilt. I told a friend who is also a yoga teacher how I carry around this idea that I'm a "bad" yogi because I occasionally enjoy a cigarette and her words to me were "the great thing about yoga is, we get to start over with each breath." Oh yeah! That's what I love about yoga in the first place. It provides a space for us to let go of the past and the future and BE in the now, nothing else matters, but this moment. And there's no room for guilt or molds.

I was in a community yoga class a couple days ago with over a hundred people. It was magical.
I heard the gal behind me say with laughter, "I need to stay back in this corner because I am terrible at yoga!" It made me giggle, but it made me a little sad too because there is a stigma around yoga that you have to "be" a certain way to do it and that couldn't be further from the truth. It's easy for new yogis to hold this mindset. That if they can't touch their toes in a forward fold or they can't figure out what the teacher means by soften through your heart space or they can't lay still during Svasana then that means they are not "good" at yoga. But the great thing about yoga is: we get to start over with each breath. With each breath, we can try to fold a little deeper, with each breath we can start to understand a little more and with each breath we can be a little more still. This yoga "club" that exists has room for EVERYONE. And that adorable girl practicing yoga behind me was just as much a yogi as I was in that moment.

We all carry so much baggage around- and it seems that the baggage causes us to think we are not "good" enough or that if we do this or that, we won't fit in. We are the ones who create the molds we think we need to fit into- and believe me, I am the worst about doing this. But it's not fair to myself or other people. And I really don't want to fit into a mold anyway.

Some days I wish I were still a smoker. Some days my hips ache too bad to do Pigeon pose. Some days I feel like a rock star yogi flowing in and out of poses with ease. Each day is different, each moment is different and we always get that chance to start over with every release of our breath, even if there's smoke coming out of it.

This is making me bloom today: 

*Family trips to CD Central for new music

*My daughter saying my BFF's nickname "Co Co"

*Mango salsa

*Folding little baby boy clothes

*My grandmom's fried corn and mashed potatoes 

this is not the kind of person I want to be.

Apparently, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday morning. It happens a lot these days. My belly is growing bigger. Sleep is getting sporadic. My hips hurt, my back hurts. Yesterday was especially bad though. I woke up to a wave of anxiety.

Let me first say that my husband and I are budgeting masters. We love Dave Ramsey, well, we love his perspective on money and have found his guidelines to be the most helpful. He, on the other hand, can be a little much. We have a weekly budget that we stick to religiously. We use cash for everything, even both of our cars which means we have no car payment! When we need something, we save for it and buy it in full. We like this way of living- it keeps us grounded and it works, for us. Since our daughter started eating solid food regularly, I have noticed our grocery allotment needing some attention. I also feel much more inclined to buy organic foods for her. I don't want to taint her purity! If it were left up to me, we would shop at Whole Foods and our local grocery cooperative for groceries and skip out on the big chain stores. I really dislike Kroger. If it were left up to my husband, we would get the meat, the eggs, the milk and some other select things from the local co-op but go to Meijer for the rest where things are bit more reasonably priced. I've tried buying everything from Whole Foods- the bill wiped us clean and I didn't even get everything we needed. My husband and I started discussing this yesterday and I got very defensive and upset.
So upset, I actually said out loud, "I feel like we are poor."
Poor? Really?
Let me add that this statement did not just come from me wanting to be able to shop at Whole Foods. It also came from a worry I have about our new baby boy entering the world this fall, adding more expenses, and having no room to himself. Yep, the kiddos get to share a room. When our daughter was born, our home got a lot smaller, quickly. And I worry about how much smaller it is going to feel with another human running around. Needless to say, we are going to have to buy a bigger house one day. (Or DO we have to?) And I worry we won't be able to afford it. Actually, I worry we won't be able to afford a move to the neighborhood of my dreams, which is perfectly close to downtown and is full of adorable bungalows. So this statement came from a place of fear. Isn't that where all the things we regret come from?

We have a lovely home in a precious neighborhood, we have a flat screen TV, 2 cars, bicycles, clothes to wear, locally roasted coffee made in a french press every morning. I have an IPhone, we have a MacBook, AND a desktop computer. The cutest, vintage dining room table that holds breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day. Materially speaking, we have it all.
But more importantly, we have LOVE. We have laughter and warmth and chats over breakfast and dinner. We have a bond that overcomes any amount of money.
Poor? Really?

I am a stay at home mom who teaches yoga a couple days a week (as far as money goes, I don't contribute much) and I'm telling my husband who works his ass off to provide for his family that I wish we had more money. Spoiled much? I spent all day thinking about what I said and I felt so embarrassed and so ashamed. This is not the kind of person I want to be. At all. And it's not the kind of wife I want to be to my husband. Nor is this attitude the kind I want to pass down to my children.

So I've got work to do when it comes to my feelings about money and "place" in society. But knowing what it is I don't want to be, is a start and I can only get wiser and more grateful from here, right? Luckily, I am surrounded by many people in my life who also strive for a more simple way of living. Who are letting go of WANTS. And talking about NEEDS. Talking about leaving a better world for our children.
This is what I am working with- letting go of this mindset that MORE is better. Because it's not. What is better is my daughter laughing hysterically when she calls me Dadda. What is better is my husband who believes in gratitude over wanting. I am beyond rich.

And this is what is making me bloom today:
*the CPR class I took this afternoon.
*my daughter showing me where her nose and ears are.
*an evening at home with my husband watching soccer highlights.
*transforming my mindset.

bloom where you are planted.

I cannot tell you how many times I have started and stopped writing in a journal throughout my life. I think the only time I actually finished a journal was when I was in middle school. Can you blame me? Those are tumultuous years, there was a lot to write about. So fast forward almost 20 years and here I am, starting a new journal, of sorts. But this time, its more about answering a tug at my heart than purging my problems. Don't get me wrong, I may speak of my problems every once in a while- I am human after all. But mostly, this is about blooming- right here, right where God has settled me as the mother of a big eyed, precious, little girl and a baby boy growing in my belly, as a wife to a man that doesn't just tell me he loves me but shows me everyday, as a local yoga instructor, and as a person who just wants to live in a way that is joy inducing and simple but struggles daily with thinking the 'grass is greener', letting go, being present, and remembering that God is on my side. 

There's this Leonard Cohen song called "Anthem"- it was introduced to me by someone that helped me through a very difficult time in my life. It says, "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." I guess you can say this has become my life motto. If there is one thing that life has taught me over and over again, it is that the best lessons, the greatest outcomes, the biggest "ah ha" moments come straight from the cracks. And striving for perfection rather than embracing your imperfections is pretty boring.

So join me on this journey of blooming up through the cracks and letting the light in. Won't you?