ode to a cigarette and musings on the yoga club.

My dear friend and yoga teacher sent out an email recently asking if there was ever a time you felt like you didn't belong on your yoga mat. I love this question. It is something I have struggled with since I began doing yoga 6 years ago. And yes, I often feel unworthy, undeserving of being a yoga teacher and practitioner.

Let me explain: I don't fit the yogi mold all the time. I don't meditate everyday, I can't do a hand or head stand, I prefer TV over a yoga session a lot, and yes, I love cigarettes.

How can a yoga teacher possibly love to smoke cigarettes? For a long time, I carried around some major guilt over this. I thought if I was going to be a good yogi, I needed to let go of this fondness and desire. I needed to opt out of sneaking those cigarettes with my best friend behind the bar or on my deck. I knew if one of my students or fellow teachers knew this about me, or they happened to see me- they would stop believing in me, stop coming to my classes. Because yogis DO NOT enjoy cigarettes, even just every once in a while. YUCK. 

The thing is, I don't even smoke anymore. I quit many moons ago. I am very aware of how bad it is for me. But still to this day, I think about it- the taste of each inhale, the feel of it between my fingers, the smell that would stick to my clothes. I have fond memories of smoking and I long for those mornings, waking up to a cup of coffee and a smoke. I have even thought about smoking WHILE I was meditating and during Warrior II. It's a serious love affair, folks. And it's very possible that I will sneak another cigarette again one day. Is that okay? Well yes, I've decided after some time of dwelling in this space of guilt that in fact, it is okay. I am not perfect. I mess up. Thank goodness.

I remember the moment I started letting go of this guilt. I told a friend who is also a yoga teacher how I carry around this idea that I'm a "bad" yogi because I occasionally enjoy a cigarette and her words to me were "the great thing about yoga is, we get to start over with each breath." Oh yeah! That's what I love about yoga in the first place. It provides a space for us to let go of the past and the future and BE in the now, nothing else matters, but this moment. And there's no room for guilt or molds.

I was in a community yoga class a couple days ago with over a hundred people. It was magical.
I heard the gal behind me say with laughter, "I need to stay back in this corner because I am terrible at yoga!" It made me giggle, but it made me a little sad too because there is a stigma around yoga that you have to "be" a certain way to do it and that couldn't be further from the truth. It's easy for new yogis to hold this mindset. That if they can't touch their toes in a forward fold or they can't figure out what the teacher means by soften through your heart space or they can't lay still during Svasana then that means they are not "good" at yoga. But the great thing about yoga is: we get to start over with each breath. With each breath, we can try to fold a little deeper, with each breath we can start to understand a little more and with each breath we can be a little more still. This yoga "club" that exists has room for EVERYONE. And that adorable girl practicing yoga behind me was just as much a yogi as I was in that moment.

We all carry so much baggage around- and it seems that the baggage causes us to think we are not "good" enough or that if we do this or that, we won't fit in. We are the ones who create the molds we think we need to fit into- and believe me, I am the worst about doing this. But it's not fair to myself or other people. And I really don't want to fit into a mold anyway.

Some days I wish I were still a smoker. Some days my hips ache too bad to do Pigeon pose. Some days I feel like a rock star yogi flowing in and out of poses with ease. Each day is different, each moment is different and we always get that chance to start over with every release of our breath, even if there's smoke coming out of it.

This is making me bloom today: 

*Family trips to CD Central for new music

*My daughter saying my BFF's nickname "Co Co"

*Mango salsa

*Folding little baby boy clothes

*My grandmom's fried corn and mashed potatoes 

this is not the kind of person I want to be.

Apparently, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday morning. It happens a lot these days. My belly is growing bigger. Sleep is getting sporadic. My hips hurt, my back hurts. Yesterday was especially bad though. I woke up to a wave of anxiety.

Let me first say that my husband and I are budgeting masters. We love Dave Ramsey, well, we love his perspective on money and have found his guidelines to be the most helpful. He, on the other hand, can be a little much. We have a weekly budget that we stick to religiously. We use cash for everything, even both of our cars which means we have no car payment! When we need something, we save for it and buy it in full. We like this way of living- it keeps us grounded and it works, for us. Since our daughter started eating solid food regularly, I have noticed our grocery allotment needing some attention. I also feel much more inclined to buy organic foods for her. I don't want to taint her purity! If it were left up to me, we would shop at Whole Foods and our local grocery cooperative for groceries and skip out on the big chain stores. I really dislike Kroger. If it were left up to my husband, we would get the meat, the eggs, the milk and some other select things from the local co-op but go to Meijer for the rest where things are bit more reasonably priced. I've tried buying everything from Whole Foods- the bill wiped us clean and I didn't even get everything we needed. My husband and I started discussing this yesterday and I got very defensive and upset.
So upset, I actually said out loud, "I feel like we are poor."
Poor? Really?
Let me add that this statement did not just come from me wanting to be able to shop at Whole Foods. It also came from a worry I have about our new baby boy entering the world this fall, adding more expenses, and having no room to himself. Yep, the kiddos get to share a room. When our daughter was born, our home got a lot smaller, quickly. And I worry about how much smaller it is going to feel with another human running around. Needless to say, we are going to have to buy a bigger house one day. (Or DO we have to?) And I worry we won't be able to afford it. Actually, I worry we won't be able to afford a move to the neighborhood of my dreams, which is perfectly close to downtown and is full of adorable bungalows. So this statement came from a place of fear. Isn't that where all the things we regret come from?

We have a lovely home in a precious neighborhood, we have a flat screen TV, 2 cars, bicycles, clothes to wear, locally roasted coffee made in a french press every morning. I have an IPhone, we have a MacBook, AND a desktop computer. The cutest, vintage dining room table that holds breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day. Materially speaking, we have it all.
But more importantly, we have LOVE. We have laughter and warmth and chats over breakfast and dinner. We have a bond that overcomes any amount of money.
Poor? Really?

I am a stay at home mom who teaches yoga a couple days a week (as far as money goes, I don't contribute much) and I'm telling my husband who works his ass off to provide for his family that I wish we had more money. Spoiled much? I spent all day thinking about what I said and I felt so embarrassed and so ashamed. This is not the kind of person I want to be. At all. And it's not the kind of wife I want to be to my husband. Nor is this attitude the kind I want to pass down to my children.

So I've got work to do when it comes to my feelings about money and "place" in society. But knowing what it is I don't want to be, is a start and I can only get wiser and more grateful from here, right? Luckily, I am surrounded by many people in my life who also strive for a more simple way of living. Who are letting go of WANTS. And talking about NEEDS. Talking about leaving a better world for our children.
This is what I am working with- letting go of this mindset that MORE is better. Because it's not. What is better is my daughter laughing hysterically when she calls me Dadda. What is better is my husband who believes in gratitude over wanting. I am beyond rich.

And this is what is making me bloom today:
*the CPR class I took this afternoon.
*my daughter showing me where her nose and ears are.
*an evening at home with my husband watching soccer highlights.
*transforming my mindset.