this is not the kind of person I want to be.

Apparently, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday morning. It happens a lot these days. My belly is growing bigger. Sleep is getting sporadic. My hips hurt, my back hurts. Yesterday was especially bad though. I woke up to a wave of anxiety.

Let me first say that my husband and I are budgeting masters. We love Dave Ramsey, well, we love his perspective on money and have found his guidelines to be the most helpful. He, on the other hand, can be a little much. We have a weekly budget that we stick to religiously. We use cash for everything, even both of our cars which means we have no car payment! When we need something, we save for it and buy it in full. We like this way of living- it keeps us grounded and it works, for us. Since our daughter started eating solid food regularly, I have noticed our grocery allotment needing some attention. I also feel much more inclined to buy organic foods for her. I don't want to taint her purity! If it were left up to me, we would shop at Whole Foods and our local grocery cooperative for groceries and skip out on the big chain stores. I really dislike Kroger. If it were left up to my husband, we would get the meat, the eggs, the milk and some other select things from the local co-op but go to Meijer for the rest where things are bit more reasonably priced. I've tried buying everything from Whole Foods- the bill wiped us clean and I didn't even get everything we needed. My husband and I started discussing this yesterday and I got very defensive and upset.
So upset, I actually said out loud, "I feel like we are poor."
Poor? Really?
Let me add that this statement did not just come from me wanting to be able to shop at Whole Foods. It also came from a worry I have about our new baby boy entering the world this fall, adding more expenses, and having no room to himself. Yep, the kiddos get to share a room. When our daughter was born, our home got a lot smaller, quickly. And I worry about how much smaller it is going to feel with another human running around. Needless to say, we are going to have to buy a bigger house one day. (Or DO we have to?) And I worry we won't be able to afford it. Actually, I worry we won't be able to afford a move to the neighborhood of my dreams, which is perfectly close to downtown and is full of adorable bungalows. So this statement came from a place of fear. Isn't that where all the things we regret come from?

We have a lovely home in a precious neighborhood, we have a flat screen TV, 2 cars, bicycles, clothes to wear, locally roasted coffee made in a french press every morning. I have an IPhone, we have a MacBook, AND a desktop computer. The cutest, vintage dining room table that holds breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day. Materially speaking, we have it all.
But more importantly, we have LOVE. We have laughter and warmth and chats over breakfast and dinner. We have a bond that overcomes any amount of money.
Poor? Really?

I am a stay at home mom who teaches yoga a couple days a week (as far as money goes, I don't contribute much) and I'm telling my husband who works his ass off to provide for his family that I wish we had more money. Spoiled much? I spent all day thinking about what I said and I felt so embarrassed and so ashamed. This is not the kind of person I want to be. At all. And it's not the kind of wife I want to be to my husband. Nor is this attitude the kind I want to pass down to my children.

So I've got work to do when it comes to my feelings about money and "place" in society. But knowing what it is I don't want to be, is a start and I can only get wiser and more grateful from here, right? Luckily, I am surrounded by many people in my life who also strive for a more simple way of living. Who are letting go of WANTS. And talking about NEEDS. Talking about leaving a better world for our children.
This is what I am working with- letting go of this mindset that MORE is better. Because it's not. What is better is my daughter laughing hysterically when she calls me Dadda. What is better is my husband who believes in gratitude over wanting. I am beyond rich.

And this is what is making me bloom today:
*the CPR class I took this afternoon.
*my daughter showing me where her nose and ears are.
*an evening at home with my husband watching soccer highlights.
*transforming my mindset.