inspiration from the back of magazine.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

I read this quote today on the back of a local magazine while I was waiting for my yoga class to begin. I have read it before, many times but it struck a chord in me a little more intensely this afternoon.

I am really good at holding on to things. For instance, I will leave a situation and replay something I said over and over in my head and wish I said it differently or said more or said less. And it will stay with me until FINALLY, I just let it go. But that letting go takes a while.

I go to bed at night and often times replay the day in my head. I have thoughts like: I should have mopped the kitchen floor, I shouldn't have been on my phone so much around Gentry, I wish I had made a better decision for lunch, did I let Gentry watch too much TV? I question my decisions. And I let the negative parts of the day take on a bigger role than the positive parts. 

Some days there are certainly more pressing issues that I struggle to let go of as I curl up into bed. Things that really upset my soul but I have no control over like reading about a little girl just a few months older than my baby girl in my community who has cancer and is fighting for her life daily. 

So much happens within a day- it is a constant give and take and push and pull. Smiles turn into frowns. Frowns turn into smiles. How are we not all crazy lunatics with the amount of emotions one can feel in just a day's time? 

I am extra sensitive to these emotions lately. I have 4 1/2 weeks left until my due date. One of my biggest feelings right now is an anxiousness over how my daughter is going to handle the change of having a new baby brother. And how I am going to handle it. I am worried about being in the hospital for 3 days without her too. We are together all day everyday except for those pockets of time that she goes to her grandparents or spends quality time with Dadda riding bikes and going to the park in the evenings. I am told I need to let go of control but it is so hard. I know her routine, I know her moods- we do things a certain way. She's my little partner and things are about to shift drastically for our relationship. At the end of the day, this is what keeps me from finishing the day completely.

But delicious reminders on the back of local 'zines telling me that tomorrow is a new day and I've done what I could is inspiring. It was a little push to get back to my breath and my prayer practice. The doubt and the worry and the regret and the crap of the day will always be there- it is about ending the day knowing we did what we could and beginning the day knowing it is fresh and we can start it with a peaceful spirit. The way I am able to do this is to be aware of each breath that brings me back to the present and to surrender all of it to God. I owe it to my soon to be family of 4. 

(I haven't blogged in a while. I blame pregnancy. I also blame trying to figure out how honest I can be without crumbling or offending someone- so bear with me, readers. I am dedicated to this writing but extended time may pass between blogs because I am battling the emotions of the day.)

Blooming today because:
*Fall is officially here.
*The neighbor kids came to play with Gentry and she was so happy.
*Baby boy will be here next month.
*My husband is the most understanding man I know.