authenticity and the #mywritingprocess blog tour

With such kindness, I have been invited to participate in the #mywritingprocess blog tour by my adorable, sparkly, yogini friend, Meredith. She has a blog too, you see, www.meredithmusing.blogspot.com. She always leaves you feeling a little more shiny, a little more at ease. I am honored to hop on this tour with her.

With this invitation, I have been asked to describe how my blogging/writing process works, how it might be different than others, and why do I write what I do. So here goes:

Let me begin with a little history of my writing. In 7th grade, I wrote a book of poetry as a project for my English class. I still have it. I wrote about not wanting to grow up, about God, about saving manatees. It all kind of began there. Fast forward a few years later and I received a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from the University of Kentucky.  I seriously learned from the best while I was there- the likes of Nikki Finney, Jane Vance, and Erik Reese. Throughout all this disciplined writing, I also kept a private journal.

When I graduated from college, my writing all together took a backseat in my life. 

And then I finally decided, after years really of debating, to start a blog- it just felt right. I missed writing. It is something I had always done and I missed it like an old friend. I needed it back in my life. And I found that becoming a mama was the perfect life event to get me back into it. 

I feel like the phrase, writing "process", is way too formal for the way I approach writing. My "process" is more like a smorgasbord of thoughts floating around in my mind that are best transferred through my fingers to my MacBook by way of coffee and a comfy seat in my recliner with feet propped up. I don't brainstorm before hand or write it out on paper first. I definitely don't ponder any idea for too long before I start writing. I just go for it. And the inspiration usually comes from an epiphany I have had in the car or while changing my daughter's diaper or while, of course, having an emotional meltdown. For me, this process of putting my thoughts into visual words is the purest form of therapy. And I venture to say that most bloggers would agree.

In becoming a mama, I have found much peace and inspiration in other's blogs. The honesty people are putting out there, the acceptance that we all are human and fail, the idea that life isn't perfect and that IS OKAY, has rocked my little, self-doubting world and sent it into a spiral of confidence and super-woman-y feelings. I don't know how my blog is really different than anyone else's but I do know that I strive to be real and honest with myself and my readers. It is most important. And it is how I can remain true to myself and in turn, to the people in my life.

For such a long time, I kept a journal and one day, I started reading old entries and wanted to cringe. If I were to leave the world tomorrow, I would NOT want anyone reading those journals. It was all boys, sadness, striving for perfection. My thoughts weren't coming from a place of sincerety- they seemed contrived. So I stopped journaling. When I started to get the blogging buzz, my first thought was that it had to be honest- none of this "life is perfect over here in my family. your's isn't?" bullshit. And secondly, if I couldn't be completely honest about something, then maybe it is so unworthy of anymore of my energy that it needs to be let go. This is why I blog- to be authentic, with you and myself.

And lucky for me, I know some other fabulous women allowing themselves to be authentic. So I'm passing the blog tour torch to them... One of them is my yoga teacher turned dear friend, Sharon. The other, a long time friend (think 20+ years), Lauren.

Sharon Tessandori: A life coach, yoga instructor, & spiritual hillbilly. 

Find her @ www.sharontessandori.com

Lauren Metelski: I am a Russian major turned doula turned labor and delivery nurse. I strive to be a minimalist, I strive to teach about women's health and get my kicks having fun with birth!

Find her @ www.birthisfun.com

Blooming today b/c:

*This weather!

*Getting up early to bake muffins for a playdate

*My husband's new job and spending more time together

4 a.m.

I awoke yesterday morning around 4 a.m. which is pretty typical these days. I get up a lot because sweet baby boy pushes on my bladder and I gotta pee. This particular morning, I went to the bathroom, got back in bed, TRIED to get comfy, and laid there with eyes open. Sleep, where are you?! Instead of sleeping, my body and mind decided to get anxious. Middle of the night anxiety is the absolute worse! It's a dark place, literally. 

I thought about baby boy, about going through natural labor and delivery again, about being in the hospital away from my daughter for several days, about how she is going to feel when she sees me holding her brother for the first time, about my children sharing a room (where is all their stuff gonna go?!), about wanting to buy expensive bedding for boy's crib from etsy but it seems so unnecessary, about the months left before our due date and what needs to be done and bought, about my husband and how I'm so annoying to be around right now because my body aches and I'm so tired all the time, about how my midwife told me that my iron is low and I need to be eating leafy greens and fish! But do you know how hard that is when you are pregnant? I want ice cream and donuts and Chik-fil-a breakfast sandwiches. I thought about the unknown future and the feeling of being in limbo, about how I hate the nights my husband has to work and the loneliness I feel sometimes, about how I wished I were better at being a 'housewife' like they were in the 50's, like my mom was when I was growing up, about how I wish I didn't let people get in my head and I listened better to my own intuition.

There is so much to think about at 4 a.m., isn't there? 

So I get on Facebook feeling groggy, knowing I probably won't get any fulfillment by doing so but do it anyway and see this:

This screws me up a lot. 

And it's why I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about every detail of life because everything is supposed to be a lot easier than this, right?

Well, no. Life isn't supposed to be any certain way- it's supposed to be how we make it. We have the choice to let go of the worries and take it all as it comes. Easy huh? :)

P.S. This quote was posted by Glennon Melton of Momastery. If you don't follow her- I highly suggest you do. She's crazy honest and has inspired me beyond anything I could have imagined. She rocks my world. http://www.momastery.com

This is making me bloom today:

*A walk with a BFF and her brand new babe

*Dinner with my girls last night that left me feeling complete and cared for

*This cup of coffee in my hand

*70 degree weather

*Good news

be a deliberate person.

I am not sure where I read this statement but I put it in my notes app on my phone and it has been staring me in the face for a while now.

BE A DELIBERATE PERSON.

How amazing is that?

I have come to realize in my new motherhood how incredibly important it is for me to be a deliberate person. To be a person that my daughter can look up to. To be a person who pays attention. To be a person that treats people with kindness. To be a person that speaks gently and loves. To be a person that is true to herself.
It is easy for me to get hung up on what I am not- remnants of low self esteem that surfaced during 7th grade, I guess. I cannot believe at 30 those remnants still follow me around and I am sure they will forevermore. But what I have now that I didn't have then is a sense of being intentional and precious offspring that make me want to be better.

I have talked with fellow mamas about these unwanted feelings of jealousy and self esteem issues that rear their ugly heads when babies come along and you discover that maybe motherhood is a little more difficult than expected or maybe raising a child with your partner is a little more difficult than expected. It is tough, no doubt, and none of us will deal with these issues perfectly. But imagine if we all tried to just be more deliberate and hold more intention in each day, in each moment. Maybe things would feel different, maybe we would shift into our roles as mamas and daddy's with more ease.

I like the idea of being deliberate because it does not mean to be happy all day everyday- it means to be true to yourself in every situation, good or bad or messy. And I know for certain, us mamas experience messy situations EVERYday. Being deliberate could change the course of our lives and children's lives. I think I am gonna try it.

This is making me bloom today:
*A five hour playdate with a sweet friend
*Munching on ice- a new pregnancy craving
*Change on the horizon